Why starting blogging again now? After all this time?
I miss the writer's release. I loved blogging, but it became such a hassle. I was doing it for others, and not for myself. I worried about what I was writing - how people would react...how much could I share?
But life feels sort of out-of-control right now. I need something that will (hopefully) keep me grounded. I need a release. No proof-reading. Stream of consciousness. Go.
I'm insecure about a lot of things right now. My weight, for one. I lost so much several years ago and was health-queen of the world. I felt so good...so strong. But I'm a stress eater and damn if I haven't started gaining it all back.
I broke down and downloaded the Kayla "Sweat" app. We'll see. It's my eating though. Anything and everything. Bring it on, but please don't. Really. I start my days with good intentions but blow it about mid-morning. Like so many others, I'm sure. Stay strong, Keri. You can do it.
Dave's been gone so much this summer, and I miss spousal support and help with the kids. When he's home, he's hands-on for the most part, but I also want to rip the phone out of his hands. RIIIIP. Men and women are so different, right? In so many ways. Big fight this morning. I need pitching in without asking. I hate asking him to do anything, really. He works so hard. Harder than I do at work, that's for sure, but I feel like I handle so much more of our family life that he doesn't see or understand. Every wife's problem, but it feels amplified in our situation.
And Henry. So much of this is about Henry. I have a constant pit in my stomach about my littlest darling. He really is the sweetest thing ever, but so many issues. Assessments this week mean another thing crossed off his super-long list, but it also adds "worry" to the list until we get results back. An autism diagnosis may be welcome (?), but not really. It would make it easier to explain his speech, social and motor delays. But is he? Results will tell us in a few long weeks.
It's so isolating. All of it. A traveling husband. A special-needs kiddo. Living in the country. The whole thing. I-S-O-L-A-T-I-N-G. Thank God for sister-in-law, Melissa. Man, we used to be rocky. But now she is my BFF. But I can't really cry on her shoulder. Or anyone's really. I had an ugly cry alone a week or so ago. After Henry started kindergarten and bump, bump, bump. Talk about a spotlight for kids with disabilities. Explaining his many needs all over again. And again.
And poor Hallie. What a time to have a younger brother with issues? She's hitting puberty and needs attention, attention, attention. TIME. She needs all of that. And patience. And all of mine is going to Henry right now. So I need Dave to jump in and provide what I can't...but he can't, because it's a pubescent girl. And he can't deal. Heck, I can barely deal.
Enough for now.
